Translations

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am Upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

And finally.....
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle .

For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.

However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says t he doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"

A Day In The Life .......

How retired folks spend their days............

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, here's an example of one of mans day.

I went into town and went to a shop in the High street. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on mate, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket so I called him a Nazi B*stard.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.

So I called him a piece of stinking dog s*it. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't give a s*it as I came into town by bus. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.

Winter Is Here!

Well I have tried and tried to post some pic's to night but blogger said no!

I wanted to post some nice sunny photo's to remind me of the nice time we had in the summer. It is getting colder by the day everything is looking drab, the trees have lost their leaves and the sky is grey! The wash basket is getting fuller as we have to wear more clothes to keep warm but the weather is getting wetter not allowing us to get it all dry.

Though I hate been cold I'm looking forward to the snow as everything will look beautiful, bright, crisp and clean!

A Roasting for Dr John

One thing Dr John is not is misleading what you read is what you get!
Dr john and betty are kind generous people who spend their time wishing us all well, making us laugh and introduceing us to new friends from around the world.
They take the time and effort to post challenges to us with genuine prizes they mail there gifts near and far nothing ever seems to be to much trouble.
But their real gift is their empathy for all! Dr John maybe retired but is still spreading his good will!

Its A Boy Thing!

A plane is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets into the Pacific Ocean. The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive. After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores.
Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot help but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on. Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life.
As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is...its Kylie Minogue. Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love. One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face.

She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong. "Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life. We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feel there's something missing."
Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do anything".
"Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"
"OK"
"And my trousers?"
"OK"
At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips. " OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off the other way and meet you half way."
"OK dear, whatever will make you happy?"
So off they set. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts…

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"Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm shagging'

Things Can Only Get better!

Well things have not been to good at the Dray house this weekend. It started on Friday when the Dentist sent me an appointment for an assessment on my wisdom tooth when I arrived he stated he had no work on that afternoon so he'll pull it out there and then resulting in tooth ache all weekend.
Saturday we got up to find that one of our car's had been broken into, they had broken the window and stolen our C.D play, resulting having to spend the day waiting in for the repair man and wondering why you have insurance as they only want more money off you to claim back what is rightfully yours.
Then Sunday poor Har woke up not well at all and spent the day in a bad way even after a trip to the emergency Doc's, also a loss of sleep for both Bazza and I worrying about him. Been to the doc's again and he got a partial thumbs up we've still got you await some test results so more sleepless nights!
They say bad luck comes in three's so hopefully that's our's done for a while and things will book up fingers crossed.
On a brighter note my Kitchen that as been taking forever should be finished tonight so they say but I'll believe it when I see it!

That's my moaning session over here's a couple of the children creations

Time For a Day trip

The Great Yorkshire Show, we only visit the show once a year so have not been able to give it a place in my top 10 but love it so much i had to give it a mention.
It's an absolutely fab day out for the full family, There's lot of animals, stalls and events for the children. For the adults food and alcohol testing what more could you ask for!
We have a bit of a dilemma next year as for some silly reason they hold the show mid week in term time meaning KT will be at school and technically not able to go unless we are naughty parents and take her out for the day.
I'm for taking her out of school for the day as I believe the show is an education itself as there's so much information about how food is produced, how to be healthy and lots of information on the environment and wildlife. Just got to convince the Head Mistress!

Time for a joke

DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since
she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll
leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the
counter, and I'll mail you a cheque."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't
bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances,
talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day,
he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen.

But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the
repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his
incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman
couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid,
ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

See...............Men just don't listen !

Princess Is Five

Five years ago today at 2.05am after 20 hour of labour and the assistance of a medical vacuum (Von Truce) KT arrived 8lb 1oz she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and I couldn't believe she was mine. My happiness was short lived as they whisked her away to special care, as I'd had a temperature during labour, they did not return her to me for 6 hours. When they returned her she was fitted with a canular for anti biotics it was just a precaution and she was fine. Since then I have found it hard to let her out of my sight.


Seconds old Princess Princess a few hours old
proud dad with his first girl!

Some More of Far Ings

Far Ings is very beautiful but you rarely see much there har got to spot his favourite bird though a duck. Give him a pond full of ducks and he's the happiest boy in town!

Sunday Day Out

Here a couple of views from the car.

Did a family trip to Far Ings a nature reserve in Linconshire. To get there we went across The Humber Bridge. The bridge was once the largest single span bridge in the world and we where all very impressed with it that was till we found out it had put the city into millions of pounds worth of debt and we have to pay a huge toll to cross. To this day the debt is still outstanding .

I'm Back!

Don't know what happened but i've managed to get it back.
I think blogger must not be to keen on my jokes better post some pic's for a while to get back into good books!

Where is my blog!

The Gambler

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES YES, I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumb founded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men, are men

Time for a joke

A man boarded a plane at Sydney airport and, taking his seat as he
Settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the aircraft.

He realized she was heading straight towards his seat, and bingo! She took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he Blurted out: "Business trip or holiday?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said,"Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in the United States."

The man swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmlyasked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer", she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."


"Really?" he smiled, "What myths are those?"

"Well", she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when
actually it is the men of Greek descent.

We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."


Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry", She
said. I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even
Know your name!"

"Tonto" the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but all my friends call Me Paddy."

It's that time of the year!

Not been around blog land much over the last few days as both Bazza and Har have both been struck down with that most dreaded, terrible of ailments "THE MAN COLD" both have been practical confined to bed and have felt ghastly. Luckily Har is on the mend and is now just suffering from a constant green river from his nose (hope your not eating), But poor Bazza is still suffering and is getting to the hacking stage. Hopefully he'll feel brighter tomorrow has he's got a day of peace he's home alone the children are at school and nursery and I'm at work, so he'll be able to spend his day snoozing!

A Family Portrait With A Difference

Warning!

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.
This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer(WORK).
If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means
DO NOT TOUCH IT!
This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote
known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER).
Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

Having one of those days