The Atheist

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him. At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God..."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
It was then that a bright light shone down upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice. The light went out. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

Then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful. Amen."

Jim & Edna

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Jim suddenly fell into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there!

Edna promptly jumped in and saved him.

She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged. Since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound-mindedness.

The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself in his bathroom with the belt of his robe, right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he is dead.

"Edna replied "He didn't hang himself...............I put him there to dry.

How soon can I go home?"

A Room With A View!

Bazza posted the view from his office recently so I thought I'd copy and show you the view from mine.

Don't you think my view is nicer then Bazza's?

Smile!!

A large corporation recently hired several cannibals.
"You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing.
"You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of our employees."
The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work.
However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads 'no.'
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others,
"Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"
A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOOOO, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something."

Doris And Fred

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a tenant for their terrace house.
After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a nearby city centre studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week.
Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away."There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to take a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."
That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it in to the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water."
"What about your husband?" asked the model.Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings, "replied Doris.
"Good," said the model. "Now that that's settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."
That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model.
After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair.
The model noticed Doris's staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modelling swimwear or underclothes.
Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he did not believe her."It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."
The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model.
As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her.
Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and, wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.
Later Fred returned and they retired to bed."Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred."Yes," he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?"
"Just to show you the difference." answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me a millions of times."
"Yes," said Fred, "I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't."
[

walking the dog

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
What's that mean?" asked the child. Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to see dad."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said OK, you can go now. Keep Belle on the leash and only go around the block once."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home." _____

BEWARE !

This is scary for anyone who travels frequently by plane!!!!
Actual crack in a US Airways DC-9 window frame!
Fliers beware of the sub standard maintenance on the airplanes that you fly on.
This is an actual crack that was found in the window frame on a DC-9. I
'll definitely think twice before flying USAir.

First Chuckle Of The Year!

He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said ... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said .... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said…They don't have time.

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good-looking?
She said . . They already have boyfriends.

She said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.

He said . . . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Lets get Knitting!

Inspired by the prize of a beautiful scarf I won at Cindra's word game I have took up knitting!

My mum has always knitted but never taught me and when I received my scarf I thought I'm going to have a go! So I called my mum asked if she had any needles I could have and asked for a lesson.
I picked it up in no time and now I'm hooked, so far I have knitted six scarves, my latest modeled below by the stunning Barbie Head,.

Today was my biggest challenge Kt asked that I knit her some clothes for her Barbie doll's so I have given it ago as you can see further down the page not exactly "Gucci "but Kt likes them.

I am very proud of myself I think I will have to try persuade Bazza into us having another baby so I can give baby clothes ago!!!!

Imitation fashion modeled by imitation Barbie

What's going on!

Well I don't know about where you live but here the weather is really mild for the time of year. Its not bright and cheerful but it isn't cold and there's no sign of snow, to the children dismay!

Yesterday we made the most of it and went in the garden and did some much needed tidying up! The children really enjoyed puttting the leaves into their mini wheel barrow to take to the compost bucket.

It all really inspired Bazza and I to start planting in our mini allotment at the bottom end of the garden but even with closhes all the books say not to start till February.
I wonder when they'll start to publish books that take into account Global Warming!

A pic of Bazza and the children clearing leaves!

Back to the old routine!

well my little princess went back to school today, she was so excited she'd been asking all week when she was back and today was the big day!
she was out the front door with her dad in a flash leaving me stood there all sad!
Har i think was glad his big sis was back at school because he had mummy all to himself again, and he sure as made me work hard he's had me at the park feeding ducks, out on his bike, playing PS2 games i don't understand but the best bit was Scalextric's even though he did beat me.


Here's a pic of him hogging both contols even at that age men have to take over Ha Ha!

First of the year!

It was a lovely bright day so we did our first day trip of the year. It was a bit chilly but we all wrapped up with hats and scarves and were fine. We had a lovely day it was great to get some fresh air and exercise after the over indulgence of Christmas. We visited Cawthorne woods and Egton stepping stones, Harry walked the stones for the first time he is usually carried over he was so proud of his self it was lovely to to his little face light up with the sense of achievement!
here's a few pic's of our trip




KT striking a pose if the camera comes out so does KT's hip!







Egton and the stepping stones