Little Johnny

An Italian Boy's Confession, bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?
Yes, Father, it is
and who was the girl you were with?
I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.
Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?
I cannot say, was it Teresa Volpe?
I'll never tell,
was it Nina Capelli?"
I'm sorry, but I cannot name her was it,
was it Cathy Piriano?
My lips are sealed.
was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?
Please, Father, I cannot tell you,
the priest sighs in frustration, you're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone you; you cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers,” What’d you get?

Four months vacation and five good leads."

Rose Buds

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for herdate with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.

Happy Gardening.

Jim's Story

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it
becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when
they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are
oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,
Peggy. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Peggy to
get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for
the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets
home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says
she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets
dinner on the table.

I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even
three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.

I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you knowwhat I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while.
And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me
too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find
it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how
frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After
all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,
Jim

EDITOR'S NOTE: Jim died suddenly on March 27 of a perforated rectum.
Thepolice report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big
Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches
ofthe grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife Peggy was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15
minutes tofind her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim somehow, without
looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

Male or Female ?

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their arse.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

Women Drivers!

Driving to the office this morning on the M62 motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 miles per hour with her face up close to the mirror putting on her eyeliner!!!!

Shocked, I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was still putting on the make-up but drifting halfway into my lane!!It scared me so much (and this coming from a bloke....) that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten up the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM AND THE TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL.F***ing Women Drivers!!!!!!!

What's the point of a cycle helmet ! !

" This is what marriage is really about "

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering.
You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man said they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked
"What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered.....
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"THE TEETH."