Mother of Two

Little Johnny

2007-07-09T06:04:00.000-07:00

An Italian Boy's Confession, bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?
Yes, Father, it is
and who was the girl you were with?
I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.
Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?
I cannot say, was it Teresa Volpe?
I'll never tell,
was it Nina Capelli?"
I'm sorry, but I cannot name her was it,
was it Cathy Piriano?
My lips are sealed.
was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?
Please, Father, I cannot tell you,
the priest sighs in frustration, you're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone you; you cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers,” What’d you get?

Four months vacation and five good leads."

Rose Buds

2007-06-13T00:34:00.000-07:00

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for herdate with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.

Happy Gardening.

Jim's Story

2007-06-07T00:44:00.000-07:00

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it
becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when
they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are
oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,
Peggy. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Peggy to
get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for
the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets
home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says
she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets
dinner on the table.

I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even
three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.

I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you knowwhat I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while.
And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me
too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find
it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how
frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After
all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,
Jim

EDITOR'S NOTE: Jim died suddenly on March 27 of a perforated rectum.
Thepolice report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big
Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches
ofthe grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife Peggy was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15
minutes tofind her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim somehow, without
looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

Male or Female ?

2007-05-26T00:03:00.000-07:00

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their arse.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

Women Drivers!

2007-05-24T00:40:00.000-07:00

Driving to the office this morning on the M62 motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 miles per hour with her face up close to the mirror putting on her eyeliner!!!!

Shocked, I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was still putting on the make-up but drifting halfway into my lane!!It scared me so much (and this coming from a bloke....) that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten up the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM AND THE TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL.F***ing Women Drivers!!!!!!!

What's the point of a cycle helmet ! !

2007-04-14T11:16:00.000-07:00

" This is what marriage is really about "

2007-03-29T00:36:00.000-07:00

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering.
You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man said they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked
"What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered.....
**********
**********
**********
**********

"THE TEETH."

First Time Sex

2007-03-27T04:17:00.000-07:00

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time .
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be ra ther busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his gi rlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

Just for Nessa

2007-03-21T04:34:00.000-07:00

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact,

"Sue, Sue."

"Is that you, Steve?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."

"Oh, Steve you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk."

Children Writing About The Sea

2007-02-28T00:09:00.000-08:00

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

3)If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent. ( Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson . She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.(Millie age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails.
How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

13) On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)

Technical support !

2007-02-23T03:33:00.000-08:00

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
Distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower
And jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such
As Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable
Programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0. Conversation
8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running
Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

__________________________________________________________________________

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Try entering the command: C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME to download Tears
6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then
Automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But
Remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to
Default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.

CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a
Supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
Memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying
Additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally
Recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support

Green fingers!

2007-02-18T07:59:00.000-08:00

A couple of weeks ago KT and I planted our first lot of seeds and even though it has been pretty cold we are starting to get some seedlings. At the top are money maker tomatoes and at the bottom are the start of cabbages. If our success carries on we'll be eating well this summer! I'll keep you posted with their development.

Some more holiday snaps

2007-02-17T04:26:00.000-08:00

Bazza blogging !
The sea nearly got him!

Me trying to be "Arty Farty "

A trip to the beach would not be complete without a donkey ride!

Tagged by Catch

2007-02-16T07:39:00.000-08:00

A- Available or Single? - Neither
B- Best Friend? - Donna and Hubby of cause!
C- Cake or Pie? - Carrot cake
D- Drink of Choice? - Chardonnay ( plan on having a glass later)
E- Essential Item? - note book, have a need to make lists
F- Favorite Color? - green
G- Gummi Bears or Worms? - Bears
H- Hometown? - Hull
I- Indulgence? - Box of Thornton's Chocolates
J- January or February? - February
K- Kids and names? - Katie and Harry also three stepsons Joe, Luke & Ethan
L- Life is incomplete without? - My family
M- Marriage Date? - 26/07/1999
N- Number of Siblings? - Only child
O- Oranges or Apples?
P- Phobias/Fears? - Same as catch spiders and lifts
Q- Favorite Quote? - " I want never gets!" said i would never use such phrases with my kids but but find myself doing it all the time!
R- Reasons to smile? - My Children
S- Season? - Summer
T- Tag 3 people? - New Mom, Goldennib and Cindra
U- Unknown Fact About Me? - My middle name is Marie
V- Vegetable You Hate? - Swede but can manage to eat it if mashed with carrots
W- Worst Habit? - Talk to much
X- Xrays You've Had? - chest, fingers and arm
Y- Your Favorite Foods? - Fish and pasta
Z- Zodiac? - Leo

It's cold but where having a ball

2007-02-14T08:56:00.000-08:00

It is really cold, especially the cottage on a night time . It's not what you can call a romantic break with us both going to bed with as many clothes on as we had during the day but the children don't seem to mind and are really enjoying themselves especially if we get near a beach. Here's a few snaps as promised.

This is the cottage we're staying at and some shots of the sea and the kids on the beach.

Having a break

2007-02-11T06:35:00.000-08:00

Well as most of you will already know, if you read Bazza's blog, we've gone on a little hol's. So far the weather as been kind it's not the most sunny of days but it is not too cold and we have managed to get out and take some walks and get some fresh air. Unfortunately my camera batteries where dead, forgot to charge them before we came which was a bit remiss off me i know but not as bad as bazza who forgot my coat good job i did the other packing or god knows what we'd be wearing, so at present i have no pic's to post but hopefully that will change tomorrow. The views are amazing and cannot wait to share them with you all.

A Donkey Chuckle

2007-02-06T02:40:00.000-08:00

This is a very moralistic story.

On the farm lived a young chicken and a donkey, both of whom loved to play together.

One day, the two were playing when the donkey fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the donkey 'hee hawed' for the young chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the young chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, she searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail. For he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the young chicken spied the farmer's new Z-4 silver BMW. Finding the keys in the ignition, the young chicken started the beautiful motor car and then sped off with a length of rope, hoping she still had time to save her friend's life.

Back at the bog, the donkey was surprised, but happy, to see the young chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the young chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the young chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the donkey!

Happy and proud, the young chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals!

A few weeks later, would you believe, the young chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, she too, began to sink and cried out to the donkey to save her life!

The donkey thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the young chicken to grab his tool and he would then lift her out of the pit.

The young chicken got a good grip, and the donkey pulled her up and out, saving her life.

The moral of the story?

When you're hung like a donkey, you don't need a BMW to pick up a chick.

Dorothy and Edna

2007-02-01T00:57:00.000-08:00

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.? I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7:00 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvellous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!

So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress.
[

The Atheist

2007-01-31T00:30:00.000-08:00

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him. At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God..."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
It was then that a bright light shone down upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice. The light went out. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

Then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful. Amen."

Jim & Edna

2007-01-29T04:14:00.000-08:00

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Jim suddenly fell into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there!

Edna promptly jumped in and saved him.

She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged. Since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound-mindedness.

The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself in his bathroom with the belt of his robe, right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he is dead.

"Edna replied "He didn't hang himself...............I put him there to dry.

How soon can I go home?"

A Room With A View!

2007-01-28T04:47:00.000-08:00

Bazza posted the view from his office recently so I thought I'd copy and show you the view from mine.

Don't you think my view is nicer then Bazza's?

Smile!!

2007-01-26T07:54:00.000-08:00

A large corporation recently hired several cannibals.
"You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing.
"You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of our employees."
The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work.
However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads 'no.'
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others,
"Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"
A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOOOO, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something."

Doris And Fred

2007-01-24T00:39:00.000-08:00

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a tenant for their terrace house.
After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a nearby city centre studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week.
Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away."There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to take a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."
That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it in to the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water."
"What about your husband?" asked the model.Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings, "replied Doris.
"Good," said the model. "Now that that's settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."
That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model.
After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair.
The model noticed Doris's staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modelling swimwear or underclothes.
Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he did not believe her."It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."
The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model.
As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her.
Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and, wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.
Later Fred returned and they retired to bed."Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred."Yes," he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?"
"Just to show you the difference." answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me a millions of times."
"Yes," said Fred, "I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't."
[

walking the dog

2007-01-23T02:53:00.000-08:00

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
What's that mean?" asked the child. Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to see dad."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said OK, you can go now. Keep Belle on the leash and only go around the block once."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home." _____

BEWARE !

2007-01-17T01:36:00.000-08:00

This is scary for anyone who travels frequently by plane!!!!
Actual crack in a US Airways DC-9 window frame!
Fliers beware of the sub standard maintenance on the airplanes that you fly on.
This is an actual crack that was found in the window frame on a DC-9. I
'll definitely think twice before flying USAir.

First Chuckle Of The Year!

2007-01-16T01:05:00.000-08:00

He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said ... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said .... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said…They don't have time.

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good-looking?
She said . . They already have boyfriends.

She said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.

He said . . . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Lets get Knitting!

2007-01-08T06:41:00.000-08:00

Inspired by the prize of a beautiful scarf I won at Cindra's word game I have took up knitting!

My mum has always knitted but never taught me and when I received my scarf I thought I'm going to have a go! So I called my mum asked if she had any needles I could have and asked for a lesson.
I picked it up in no time and now I'm hooked, so far I have knitted six scarves, my latest modeled below by the stunning Barbie Head,.

Today was my biggest challenge Kt asked that I knit her some clothes for her Barbie doll's so I have given it ago as you can see further down the page not exactly "Gucci "but Kt likes them.

I am very proud of myself I think I will have to try persuade Bazza into us having another baby so I can give baby clothes ago!!!!

Imitation fashion modeled by imitation Barbie

What's going on!

2007-01-07T00:26:00.000-08:00

Well I don't know about where you live but here the weather is really mild for the time of year. Its not bright and cheerful but it isn't cold and there's no sign of snow, to the children dismay!

Yesterday we made the most of it and went in the garden and did some much needed tidying up! The children really enjoyed puttting the leaves into their mini wheel barrow to take to the compost bucket.

It all really inspired Bazza and I to start planting in our mini allotment at the bottom end of the garden but even with closhes all the books say not to start till February.
I wonder when they'll start to publish books that take into account Global Warming!

A pic of Bazza and the children clearing leaves!

Back to the old routine!

2007-01-04T07:48:00.000-08:00

well my little princess went back to school today, she was so excited she'd been asking all week when she was back and today was the big day!
she was out the front door with her dad in a flash leaving me stood there all sad!
Har i think was glad his big sis was back at school because he had mummy all to himself again, and he sure as made me work hard he's had me at the park feeding ducks, out on his bike, playing PS2 games i don't understand but the best bit was Scalextric's even though he did beat me.

Here's a pic of him hogging both contols even at that age men have to take over Ha Ha!

First of the year!

2007-01-02T07:23:00.000-08:00

It was a lovely bright day so we did our first day trip of the year. It was a bit chilly but we all wrapped up with hats and scarves and were fine. We had a lovely day it was great to get some fresh air and exercise after the over indulgence of Christmas. We visited Cawthorne woods and Egton stepping stones, Harry walked the stones for the first time he is usually carried over he was so proud of his self it was lovely to to his little face light up with the sense of achievement!
here's a few pic's of our trip

KT striking a pose if the camera comes out so does KT's hip!

Egton and the stepping stones

HAPPY NEW YEAR ! ! !

2006-12-31T08:08:00.000-08:00

Just a quick post to wish ya all a "Happy New year!"

We've had a fab but busy Christmas, things are starting to calm down now thank heavens! Hope you all had a great time.

Don't know about you but I am really ready to take down the tree and trimmings I thought they where gorgeous when they first went up but now it seems like they are just dust magnets!

Well hope to be back to normal blogging in a few days after I've cleaned all the dust.

Take care all and I hope the New Year brings you all lots of joy!

Merry Christmas All

2006-12-20T02:41:00.000-08:00

Well Blog friends I know it's a bit premature but I am stopping Blogging till after the New year life is so busy at the moment trying to get ready for Christmas and when it does arrive I'm going to busy doing quality family time so a "Very Merry Christmas to you all and a Prosperous New Year!"
Hope you all have a super time eat drink and be merry!

Best Wishes To All
Tina x

Final Christmas Joke

2006-12-19T04:03:00.000-08:00

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl named Mary on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

"Nice bike,"the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

Mary looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, .......

Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."!!!

A Naughty Joke!

2006-12-14T00:59:00.000-08:00

Onions and Christmas Trees

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how
manykinds of boobies are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of
breasts:

In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.

In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but
hanging a bit.

After fifty, they are like onions.

" Onions?"

Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how
many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes
through three phases:

In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard

In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

A Christmas tree?"

Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What Santa Gives To Naughty Children ! ! !

2006-12-08T04:10:00.000-08:00

Christmas Gifts Ideas

2006-12-07T00:17:00.000-08:00

Economy bedroom slippers

How to make bedroom slippers out of maxi pads:

You need four maxi pads to make a pair.
Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part.
The other two wrap around the toe area to form the top.
Tape or glue each side of the top pieces to the bottom of the foot part.
Decorate the tops with whatever you desire, silk flowers, (this is most aesthetically appealing), etc.

These slippers are:
* Soft and Hygienic
* Non-slip grip strips on the soles
* Built in deodorant feature keeps feet smelling fresh
* No more bending over to mop up spills
* Disposable and biodegradable
* Environmentally safe
* Three convenient sizes: Regular, Light and Get out the Sand Bags.

I've attached a photo of the first pair I made so that you can see the nifty slippers for yourself.... Awaiting your response.

Warning ! ! !

2006-12-05T00:33:00.000-08:00

Family Day Out

2006-12-04T03:32:00.000-08:00

We did one of our family day's out yesterday and it was much needed. We have been confined to barracks for the last few weeks what with kitchen been fitted, weather and illness so it was so nice to get some fresh air!
went to Dalby forest and Scarborough it was a cold but pleasant day and I was kept very snug by the lovely scarf I won at Cindra Jo 's word game.

Me sporting my lovely scarf from Cindra At Dalby Lake

The Children at Scarborough Harbour

Scarborough Castle Walls from the beach

Translations

2006-11-30T00:37:00.000-08:00

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am Upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

And finally.....
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle .

For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.

However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

2006-11-29T00:44:00.000-08:00

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says t he doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"

A Day In The Life .......

2006-11-28T00:27:00.000-08:00

How retired folks spend their days............

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, here's an example of one of mans day.

I went into town and went to a shop in the High street. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on mate, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket so I called him a Nazi B*stard.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.

So I called him a piece of stinking dog s*it. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't give a s*it as I came into town by bus. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.

Winter Is Here!

2006-11-27T11:56:00.000-08:00

Well I have tried and tried to post some pic's to night but blogger said no!

I wanted to post some nice sunny photo's to remind me of the nice time we had in the summer. It is getting colder by the day everything is looking drab, the trees have lost their leaves and the sky is grey! The wash basket is getting fuller as we have to wear more clothes to keep warm but the weather is getting wetter not allowing us to get it all dry.

Though I hate been cold I'm looking forward to the snow as everything will look beautiful, bright, crisp and clean!

A Roasting for Dr John

2006-11-22T00:54:00.000-08:00

One thing Dr John is not is misleading what you read is what you get!
Dr john and betty are kind generous people who spend their time wishing us all well, making us laugh and introduceing us to new friends from around the world.
They take the time and effort to post challenges to us with genuine prizes they mail there gifts near and far nothing ever seems to be to much trouble.
But their real gift is their empathy for all! Dr John maybe retired but is still spreading his good will!

Its A Boy Thing!

2006-11-21T03:13:00.000-08:00

A plane is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets into the Pacific Ocean. The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive. After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores.
Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot help but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on. Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life.
As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is...its Kylie Minogue. Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love. One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face.

She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong. "Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life. We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feel there's something missing."
Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do anything".
"Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"
"OK"
"And my trousers?"
"OK"
At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips. " OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off the other way and meet you half way."
"OK dear, whatever will make you happy?"
So off they set. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts…

>

>

>

>

>

>

"Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm shagging'

Things Can Only Get better!

2006-11-20T06:26:00.000-08:00

Well things have not been to good at the Dray house this weekend. It started on Friday when the Dentist sent me an appointment for an assessment on my wisdom tooth when I arrived he stated he had no work on that afternoon so he'll pull it out there and then resulting in tooth ache all weekend.
Saturday we got up to find that one of our car's had been broken into, they had broken the window and stolen our C.D play, resulting having to spend the day waiting in for the repair man and wondering why you have insurance as they only want more money off you to claim back what is rightfully yours.
Then Sunday poor Har woke up not well at all and spent the day in a bad way even after a trip to the emergency Doc's, also a loss of sleep for both Bazza and I worrying about him. Been to the doc's again and he got a partial thumbs up we've still got you await some test results so more sleepless nights!
They say bad luck comes in three's so hopefully that's our's done for a while and things will book up fingers crossed.
On a brighter note my Kitchen that as been taking forever should be finished tonight so they say but I'll believe it when I see it!

That's my moaning session over here's a couple of the children creations

Time For a Day trip

2006-11-18T02:04:00.000-08:00

The Great Yorkshire Show, we only visit the show once a year so have not been able to give it a place in my top 10 but love it so much i had to give it a mention.
It's an absolutely fab day out for the full family, There's lot of animals, stalls and events for the children. For the adults food and alcohol testing what more could you ask for!
We have a bit of a dilemma next year as for some silly reason they hold the show mid week in term time meaning KT will be at school and technically not able to go unless we are naughty parents and take her out for the day.
I'm for taking her out of school for the day as I believe the show is an education itself as there's so much information about how food is produced, how to be healthy and lots of information on the environment and wildlife. Just got to convince the Head Mistress!

Time for a joke

2006-11-15T04:29:00.000-08:00

DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since
she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll
leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the
counter, and I'll mail you a cheque."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't
bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances,
talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day,
he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen.

But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the
repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his
incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman
couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid,
ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

See...............Men just don't listen !

Princess Is Five

2006-11-13T08:20:00.000-08:00

Five years ago today at 2.05am after 20 hour of labour and the assistance of a medical vacuum (Von Truce) KT arrived 8lb 1oz she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and I couldn't believe she was mine. My happiness was short lived as they whisked her away to special care, as I'd had a temperature during labour, they did not return her to me for 6 hours. When they returned her she was fitted with a canular for anti biotics it was just a precaution and she was fine. Since then I have found it hard to let her out of my sight.

Seconds old Princess Princess a few hours old
proud dad with his first girl!

Some More of Far Ings

2006-11-13T08:12:00.000-08:00

Far Ings is very beautiful but you rarely see much there har got to spot his favourite bird though a duck. Give him a pond full of ducks and he's the happiest boy in town!

Sunday Day Out

2006-11-12T06:42:00.000-08:00

Here a couple of views from the car.

Did a family trip to Far Ings a nature reserve in Linconshire. To get there we went across The Humber Bridge. The bridge was once the largest single span bridge in the world and we where all very impressed with it that was till we found out it had put the city into millions of pounds worth of debt and we have to pay a huge toll to cross. To this day the debt is still outstanding .

I'm Back!

2006-11-12T05:17:00.000-08:00

Don't know what happened but i've managed to get it back.
I think blogger must not be to keen on my jokes better post some pic's for a while to get back into good books!

2006-11-12T05:14:00.000-08:00

Where is my blog!

The Gambler

2006-11-10T02:08:00.000-08:00

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES YES, I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumb founded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men, are men

Time for a joke

2006-11-08T03:38:00.000-08:00

A man boarded a plane at Sydney airport and, taking his seat as he
Settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the aircraft.

He realized she was heading straight towards his seat, and bingo! She took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he Blurted out: "Business trip or holiday?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said,"Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in the United States."

The man swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmlyasked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer", she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he smiled, "What myths are those?"

"Well", she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when
actually it is the men of Greek descent.

We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry", She
said. I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even
Know your name!"

"Tonto" the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but all my friends call Me Paddy."

It's that time of the year!

2006-11-07T00:38:00.000-08:00

Not been around blog land much over the last few days as both Bazza and Har have both been struck down with that most dreaded, terrible of ailments "THE MAN COLD" both have been practical confined to bed and have felt ghastly. Luckily Har is on the mend and is now just suffering from a constant green river from his nose (hope your not eating), But poor Bazza is still suffering and is getting to the hacking stage. Hopefully he'll feel brighter tomorrow has he's got a day of peace he's home alone the children are at school and nursery and I'm at work, so he'll be able to spend his day snoozing!

A Family Portrait With A Difference

2006-11-03T03:02:00.000-08:00

2006-11-02T03:02:00.000-08:00

Warning!

2006-11-01T00:44:00.000-08:00

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.
This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer(WORK).
If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means
DO NOT TOUCH IT!
This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote
known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER).
Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

Having one of those days

2006-11-01T00:35:00.000-08:00

Getting Crafty

2006-10-30T05:54:00.000-08:00

Haven't been around blog land a lot lately as its been the school holiday's. Occupying my children as taken most of my time and when I have had the time I've enjoyed the rest.
Well they've both kept me very busy and with Halloween is on it's way we've spent time preparing for the occasion with spooky masks and mobiles to scare the witches and goblins away!
Also keeping my little imps from becoming bored and causing mischief saving all that for trick or treat day.

Time for number 7

2006-10-24T23:03:00.000-07:00

Danes Dyke we always visit to eat our picnic after our visits to Sewerby Hall. Its a lovely place with woodland walks but my favourite part is the beach. I just love been by the sea and the children are never more happy then when they're throwing stones and building sand castles!
Tide was in on this particular day but I promise you there is a fab beach!

A lovely day

2006-10-23T12:14:00.000-07:00

We had a family day trip to Sewerby Hall near Bridlington today, it was a lovely day. These are two of my attempts at "arty shots". If you look carefully you may see Bazza and Katie.

Favourite visit number 5

2006-10-20T05:01:00.000-07:00

Wheeldale Moor super drive with two fords of which one always guarantees a big splash to keep the children happy! Great views, lovely walks and best of all in the spring/summer you get to share your picnic with the local sheep and their lambs (well the children and me do, Bazza wouldn't share his food with no one!)

Possibly the saddest picture you'll see

2006-10-19T01:02:00.000-07:00

WOMEN vs. MEN POEM

2006-10-19T01:00:00.000-07:00

WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?" I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend.

MAN'S POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh**.

Advertisement Feature

2006-10-18T06:43:00.000-07:00

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You Know You're Getting Old When....

2006-10-18T01:08:00.000-07:00

....the only thing you want for your birthday is not to be reminded of it.

....happy hour turns out to be a nap!

....you sink your teeth into an apple and they stay there!

....your back goes out more often than you do!

....you can't get your rocking chair started!

....it feels like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere!

....you get winded playing chess!

....everything either drys up or leaks!

....been a little hippie does not have the same meaning as it did in the 60's!

Priceless

2006-10-17T00:25:00.000-07:00

The doctor said, "Bill, the good news is I can cure your headaches.The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.
"Bill was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."Bill laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.Bill tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Bill admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Bill thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Bill and said, "Let's see 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Bill was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years." Bill tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Bill walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"Bill thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's see.. size 36." Bill laughed, "Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache. "
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear -
$6 Second Opinion - PRICELESS

2006-10-14T09:16:00.000-07:00

Katie Superstar

Katie has only been at school for 6 weeks, but this week she brought home the star of the week award for the second time. I am the proudest parent in the world, and this song is for her.

Time for number 2

2006-10-13T01:46:00.000-07:00

Egton stepping stones. Such a beautiful place I have always been fascinated with water and can sit for an age watching flow by. Kt loved visiting this year as she could manage the steps herself has you can see Har not to sure. Bazza loves Egton as there's a great pub there that serves is favourite pint "Old Peculiar"

It's another joke!

2006-10-11T08:41:00.000-07:00

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your pen*s was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.
"The bloke groans a bit, but the doctor goes on "But it's going to be alright, we have the technology now to build you a new one that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch".The bloke perks up at this, even though it's a thousand pounds an inch.
"So the thing is" the doctor says, " it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a vital role in helping you make the decision."
So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day. "So" says the doctor "Have you spoken with your wife?" "I have," says the fellow. "And has she helped you in making the decision?" "She has," says the bloke."And what is it?" asks the doctor.

The bloke looks up and says "We're getting a new kitchen".

A women scorned

2006-10-10T03:55:00.000-07:00

Mystery of the Curtain Rods.

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.Then slowly, the house began to smell.They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out.Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.People stopped coming over to visit.Repairmen refused to work in the house.The maid quit.Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.Word got out, and eventually, even the local Realtors refused to return their calls.Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going.He told her the saga of the rotting house.She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10 of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods.

There's always a choice

2006-10-08T10:29:00.000-07:00

Would sir like to hang from the left or the right?

Got me too

2006-10-07T12:14:00.000-07:00

I have been tagged by Cindra Jo to list seven pieces of music and what they're meaning is to me:-

1. Don't Marry Her by the Beautiful South, because this was playing as I underwent C section whilst having Harry.
2. Barbie Girl by Aqua, I hate this but it's Katies favourite so I'll let it slip in
3. Monster, by the Automatic, I like it and it's Harry's favourite too.
4. Connected by the Stereo Mc's, because it reminds me of mine and Bazza's courting days.
5. Prince Charming by Adam Ant, this was my favourite track off the first album I ever bought.
6. Razamatazz by Pulp, played at the first pop concert I ever went too.
7. I wish it could be xmas every day by Wizzard, because I do.

Vegi Delights

2006-10-07T00:23:00.000-07:00

Well I've got a very exciting day ahead of me where off to the outlaws, oops meant to say the in laws, for lunch. Only kidding my mother in law is a lovely women but her lunches are very much a talking point, she tries very hard in kitchen to wow us with some vegi delight but it mostly ends up a vegi fright! Portions also can some times be a problems, especially for Bazza, I think she is still believes where on rations or she forgets what a ferocious appetite her son has. Well I'll post you later with my review on our wondrous meal.

Number 6 favourite day trip

2006-10-06T03:09:00.000-07:00

Flamborough lovely beach, rock pools and wondrous caves to explore. Great fun for all!

(Had to pinch from Bazza's photo archives as is pre me owning my own camera but as you see it didn't stop me snapping I just used his! )

Joke for today!

2006-10-05T01:00:00.000-07:00

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

Number 3

2006-10-04T13:13:00.000-07:00

Dalby lake is my 3rd best day trip visit. It' beautiful and it as ducks so it cater's for the full family!

How smart is your right foot ?

2006-10-03T07:34:00.000-07:00

This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And you will keep trying at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you
can't.
1. While sitting at a chair, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.
Your foot will change direction.
I told you so .....And there's nothing you can do about it

Luke The Lion

2006-10-02T00:45:00.000-07:00

This weekend we had a visitor Luke the Lion, Kt's School each week pick a child to take Luke home for the weekend he brings a diary with him for the child to record what he's done whilst with them. We took Luke to Daldy Forest to feed the ducks of cause and then on to Filey where it was that warm the children where able to paddle in the sea with their welly's on. Though they weren't much use as they paddled that deep the sea went over the top of them soaking their feet anyway.

2006-10-02T00:34:00.000-07:00

Luke feeding ducks with KT.

Luke The Lion

KT and Harry Paddleing in October

First Kiss

2006-09-28T02:47:00.000-07:00

So, it's your first kiss and several questions might come to mind:

Is it the right time?

Do you know them well enough?

Is anyone watching?

Does your partner even want to?

Is your breath fresh?

Then you lean in and just go for it!!!

Katie superstar

2006-09-27T11:49:00.000-07:00

Katie has been involved with a football in the community scheme through her school, which involved her taking penalty kicks. Our local team Hull City AFC (the best team in the world, according to Bazza) go into local schools and teach the kids basic soccer skills. Anyway Katie scored 3 out of 5 which for a 4 year old, I reckon, makes her the next Wayne Rooney (minus the weight, ugly mug, lack of intelligence and general lack of manners)

A Change Is As Good As A Rest

2006-09-26T08:42:00.000-07:00

This joke is dedicated to my colleague Gill as she would certainly be the elderly nun.

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something.We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

Apologies to blonds but it made laugh

2006-09-26T01:17:00.000-07:00

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?" "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble." "I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo." "Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over, so now we're going to Sea World.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HARRY

2006-09-22T01:36:00.000-07:00

Harry is 3 years old today my baby boy is now a big boy!

Here he is on his favourite present his first big bike what a star!

A Beautiful Blond Pole Dancer

2006-09-21T01:02:00.000-07:00

hope your not to shocked!

Slacking again!

2006-09-21T00:45:00.000-07:00

I don't know where all my times gone this week. Well I do its been doing family things, what with all the usual cooking, cleaning and general house keeping there's now is the daily school run, homework and to top it all attending 2 kids parties but most important sorting out for my baby boys 3rd birthday tomorrow! I cannot believe he's 3 already he's grown up so fast and he's so big for his age. What happened to my 8.7lb bundle? Why does time fly past so quick?

The New Bride

2006-09-14T01:54:00.000-07:00

Please excuse the rough language in the following story... I
don't write them, I just forward them.

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they
got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said
her mother,"so how was the honeymoon?"

Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So
romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon
as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never
heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me
home...,
PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with
your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful?
WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so
embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your
mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like dust,
wash, iron, cook..."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

Blogged at last!

2006-09-12T03:08:00.000-07:00

This blogging thing isn't easy, finding the time can prove difficult at the mo, though all the rushing around of last week was made worth while when KT came home with the "Star Of The Week" trophy for doing so well in her first week at school, i was sooooh proud.
Things did seem to to calm down a bit over the weekend, without the rush of making sure everyone was ready for the day and no mad school runs. We even managed to fit in our weekend family day trip which everyone enjoyed themselves. We visited a lovely stately home called Normanby Hall, which as fab gardens growing vegi's and a super play park for the children but most importantly Ducks! (some piccy's below). Things have now gone back to mayhem the weekends over KT is back to school so back to the mad mornings and to top it all Har as gone and developed impetigo though he's not ill with it thankfully! It's causing big probs as he's not allowed at nursery. Luckily Bazza and I have managed to come up with rota to cover it and its give me some time to blog at last.

2006-09-12T02:49:00.000-07:00

favourite past times feeding ducks and play parks!

2006-09-12T02:40:00.000-07:00

Not a cat on the roof but a peacock!

I thought this tree though dead still had a beauty of its own surrounded by the lush green foliage

Busy times!

2006-09-07T03:03:00.000-07:00

Having trouble at the mo to find time to even switch the computer on let alone blog. I cannot believe what a life changing event your child starting school is, your routine completely changes and every thing just seems like such a mad rush. It has not helped been at work, finish today till next week so hopefully things will calm down and not long to weekend when hopefully normality will return.

E mail received

2006-09-05T05:47:00.000-07:00

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned
in
sick one day.

Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the
employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your
Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the Boss
asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman"

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked,

"May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered
answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter
through
the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed
the
helicopter"

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are
they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:
*
*
*
*
"......Me"

Bazza's Birthday Trip

2006-09-04T05:50:00.000-07:00

Visited Sewerby Hall yesterday for Bazza's birthday. Its a lovely place with something for everyone. My favourite parts are the zoo, where they have successful breeding colony of Humbolt penguins and the walled gardens that are so beautiful.

Princess is starting school

2006-09-04T05:38:00.000-07:00

My little princess is starting school tomorrow I feel so proud but so sad at the same time and she is so excited. I can not believe how fast my baby girl is growing up, it seems like only yesterday I was staring at her in her cot not been able to believe that something so beautiful was mine. I'm going to miss mummy's little helper, but at least I get her back on weekends.

Disappearing act

2006-09-02T22:43:00.000-07:00

Whilst closing the curtains last night I noticed an amazing sun in the sky so Bazza and myself decide to go out into the garden loaded with camera's to get a better look, and a few snaps. When out there it was no where in site, it had hid it's self behind a huge fir tree. The sky looked very pretty though so took some snaps of that instead, so all was not lost.

Happy Birthday Bazza!

2006-09-02T13:38:00.000-07:00

It' Bazza,s Birthday tomorrow he'46 and still has gorgeous as when I met him 14 years ago. The children and I have baked him a surprise cake though he does know about it as both of them have managed to tell him at least 5 times each that they've done one.
So if anyone reads this post please pop along to his blog and wish him a great day he deserves it he's great husband and wonderful father.

My turn at last!

2006-09-02T13:20:00.000-07:00

At last I am able to post my blog bazza has finally got of the P.C. Today I have been very busy in the kitchen preserving, it's that time of year again when all the crops are ready at the same time. We have been very fortunate to have a good crop of plums again so made more jam and some autumn Chutney with them ( right in pic) also the tomatoes and rhubarb have done well so jammed them to (left in pic) and to finish the tom's off did a rather tasty though I say it myself tomatoe and soft cheese quiche.

Beaten to the post!

2006-09-01T07:37:00.000-07:00

I know Bazza has already posted his photo of Hardraw Force but i think its so beautiful i had to post mine